I always wanted to start a blog. Part of me imagined it would be some sort of instant hit with thousands of readers. I hoped it would become the main way I share my writing with the world. I had so much to say and I wanted to share it with everyone!
But then I got older and realized how those goals have changed. The world is bursting with people just wanting to be heard! Inventing, and even buying, new platforms just to feel like they have a bit of control. It’s so hard to satisfy everyone and as a result it feels so easy to inadvertently say the wrong thing .
Where I once craved to be heard, I now fear being seen too much. As an autistic person one of my greatest fears is to be misunderstood or taken out of context. Subtext is for stories, not conversations, and I’ve never enjoyed how saying one thing leads to people thinking you must actually believe something else. This fishbowl we allow ourselves to live in has changed what it means to be known by others.
I think that is part of the problem. It’s why I’ve had such a difficult time writing here or posting to Instagram. I want to be changeable, not locked down to a certain aesthetic or opinion. I want to be able to change my opinions and grow, and the internet is a place where it’s nearly impossible to change without masses of people having an opinion on it.
That’s not to say some opinions aren’t just plain wrong or bad or harmful. But witnessing the development of callout culture leaves even those of us with the best intentions feeling observed and judged. No one likes to be misinterpreted. Do you know what I mean?
Every year I learn a little more about myself and uncover a new little thing that I want to achieve. When it comes to this website and bookstagram I think what I really want is the ability to change. I hold myself back because I think I need to keep to a particular format or topic. I can’t venture off the path for fear of not being allowed back. I want to post about the little things that interest me even if they go against the theme. Sharing videogames, books outside my usual genre, insights into the library world.
This year I’m going to try that. I’m going to write for myself. Share the things that really touched me. My own wanderings.
I’m not going to say “I hope you join me” because that goes against what this is. If I accomplish my goal, I’ll be writing for myself and finding joy in that alone. And I’m excited.
Fictional Wanderings 